“He who makes his companions laugh deserves Paradise.”
There was a man who owned a small whore house. He wanted to expand but didn’t have the capital so he contacted the local mafia who lent him the cash that he needed. Business started to boom but then the local bad guys began to visit regularly, never paid for the girls and sometimes beat them up so after a while most of the girls left and the business collapsed which only goes to show that TOO MANY CROOKS SPOIL THE BROTHEL.
During the French revolution, the peasants captured a rich Count. They tortured him, trying to get him to reveal where his treasure was stashed but he would not tell them. They decided to scare him just enough to get him to talk so they led him out to the guillotine and placed his head on the slab. They told him that they would kill him if he didn’t answer but one of the guards accidentally pulled the rope and the Count was killed proving that you should NEVER HACHET YOUR COUNTS UNTIL THEY’RE CHICKEN
In Canada a dentist used to go fishing in a stream frequented by dangerous grisly bears. When asked how it was that he was never attacked he replied that he injected some fish with sedatives and threw them to the animals, adding THERE’S SAFETY IN NUMB BEARS
There was a small country where the king was overthrown. After the revolution, the people were searching for him because he had gone into hiding. One of his close friends allowed him to hide in the greenhouse of his country home. The king had insisted on taking his gold throne with him and enjoyed sitting in it in the greenhouse, thinking of better times. One day a passing peasant noticed him and reported him to the authorities. The king was arrested and executed which goes to show that PEOPLE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULDN’T STOW THRONES.
In Saudi Arabia a company was prospecting for oil and instructed the manager to check ten wells. The manager started with the first well and came up with nothing. The same with the next and the next etc for several months until at the last well he finally struck oil. He thought that the boss would be happy with him but instead he was fired. The boss told him that he had wasted too much time because he should have known that THE OIL WELL ‘S THAT END WELL.
President Bush visited a naval station to inspect a new warship and expected to receive a hero’s welcome. Instead he was booed and given rude signals by the whole crew. He was so incensed that he ordered two crew members to be immediately sent to solitary. The rest of the crew was not discouraged. They insisted that it was WORTH TWO HANDS TO GIVE BUSH THE BIRD.
A rich man had a lot of sympathy for the Spanish Basques. On a visit to one of their enclaves, he offered to build them a large auditorium where they could hold meetings etc. As soon as the building was completed they held an opening ceremony there and the place was packed. During the ceremony, somehow a fire started and in the ensuing panic many people were killed trying to get out through the front door which was the only way in or out. One should remember to NEVER PUT ALL YOUR BASQUES IN ONE EXIT.
The prince was given a magic goblet by a friendly wizard. “Remember.” he was told. “This goblet will dispense magic potions and will be your assistant in running the country but it will not work until you are proclaimed king because IT NEVER POURS UNTIL IT REIGNS.”
The millionaire’s wife was late for her hair appointment so hired a helicopter to rush her into town. As she remarked, “THE WHIRLY BIRD GETS THE PERM.”
The local headmaster had political ambitions and borrowed heavily to make a run for office. Unfortunately nobody voted for him and he ended up losing his home and all his possessions. HE SHOULD HAVE QUIT WHILE HE WAS A HEAD.
It appears that having sex uses about the same amount of energy as a long brisk walk so remember… A MISS IS AS GOOD AS A MILE.
Peter Wise and his wife Penny were walking through a bad area of town when a man mistook her for a rival gang member and started to beat up on her. Her husband drew out a gun and told the man that he had made a mistake and said that it was FOOLISH TO POUND PENNY WISE.
Mick Jagger was strolling across the brow of a hill when he spied Kate Moss below. Trying to impress her, he lay down and rolled down the hill arriving at her feet. Kate
was not impressed and just strode away from him. You see A ROLLING STONE GATHERS NO MOSS.
One of the studio underlings was insanely jealous of the star singer.
He decided to substitute his throat medicine with water so that he would be unable to perform. However the star’s voice was not unduly affected so the show went on normally. You see YOU CAN HAVE THE LEAD DRINK WATER BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE HIM HOARSE.
The airport traffic was severely disrupted when the blonde, female controller failed to turn up at the tower but instead was seen walking around below holding up an “ON STRIKE” placard. The manager went down to talk to her. “What is it with you Mary?’ he complained. “Our union went to arbitration and got a good salary for you and we have a nice bunch of people here working with you. What exactly is your problem?”
“Well, explained the girl,” I was doing my laundry early this morning and at the same time reading the pamphlet that you gave to us about work attitudes. I read about keeping your best foot forward and your shoulder to the wheel and then I came to STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT
Albert Ree was a nice fellow who was a photographer for a major magazine. On an assignment to the jungle of Colombia he disappeared. Several search parties were organized but to no avail. Several years later, another photographer who knew Albert slightly was working in the same area. Straying from the beaten path in search of anything interesting, he wandered into a clearing where he spied a man feeding the chickens. Although this man had a long beard it was obvious that this was in fact Albert. The photographer rushed up to him joyfully proclaiming “AH, SWEET MISTER REE OF LIFE, AT LAST I’VE FOUND YOU.”
A burglar broke into a house looking for money. He noticed a cupboard with many gold chains in it. He opened the unlocked cupboard and grabbed the gold but was unaware that it was connected to a high voltage source which immediately zapped him. When he woke up the house owner was standing over him and said “SORRY, IT’S BETTER THAN TO BE A SAFE.”
Penny Jones treated her weak husband so badly that he finally summoned up the courage to walk out on her. After he got a divorce, he left town and started a new life, finally meeting a really nice girl who he proposed to. In the middle of the wedding ceremony, his ex-wife turned up shouting and screaming, completely shattering the calm of the wedding. You see A BAD PENNY ALWAYS TURNS UP.
The golf club was having a big problem with vandals who were bent on destroying the turf. The manager decided to circle the entire course with a strong chain link fence. However the vandals managed to cut through some weak parts and continue their destruction. A LINK IS NO STRONGER THAN ITS WEAKEST CHAIN.
A group of kids wanted to hold a rave but didn’t have any money. They approached one of the local rich kids and convinced him that if he financed the gathering they would provide him with a bunch of beautiful girls who would do his bidding. The rave took place but the kid never got the girls. You see A FOOL AND HIS MONEY ARE SOON PARTIED.
A man wanted to have some fresh fish but the local stores were closed and he didn’t like to eat in restaurants. He called a lady friend who offered to cook a nice meal for him. You see A PLAICE IS IN THE WOMAN’S HOME.
The three film stars and their entourage were traveling in Italy when the engine of their car blew up. Their only way of proceeding for the last few miles was on horseback. You could say that ALL LEADS RODE TO ROME.
Nine sailors were in big trouble when their sail ripped apart on the high seas. They searched everywhere in the hold but could not find anything useful to make the repair. Finally they came across some old magazines and sewed those together to make a temporary repair and then limped back to port. You see sometimes A STITCH IN TIME SAVES NINE
Two men were on a small boat on the high seas when it capsized and sank. They both managed to swim ashore but to two different islands. One man was hated by his family and when they heard he was missing, celebrated and didn’t lift a finger to help him. The other man was adored by HIS family and they raised enough money to search for him until he was found. You see IT’S BETTER TO BE LOST AND LOVED THAN NOT TO HAVE BEEN LOVED AT ALL
The ace football player was invited to a team party but decided that he didn’t want to go. The team captain was furious with him and immediately went to his house to inform him that ALL GOOD ENDS MUST COME TO A THING
The nurse was surprised when she opened a large cupboard in the doctor’s office and found that it was stuffed full of fruit. It appeared that THE DOCTOR KEEPS AN APPLE A DAY AWAY
The prisoner convicted of sexual offences spent his entire sentence stitching mailbags because AS YOU RAPE, SO SHALL YOU SEW
Returning from a trip, the owner found the house was so dirty that she immediately fired the maid. GRIME DOES NOT PAY
The young man had been going out with his girlfriend for a few months when, one day he developed a really big sore on his thigh which confined him to his bed. His girlfriend took such good care of him, washing and feeding him that he realized that he really loved her and asked her to marry him. You see, ABSCESS MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER
The Eskimo was really fed up with the constant cold so went to visit the local fortune teller. “Drink this magic potion” he was told, “and the sun will heat up, the ice will disappear and it will be extremely hot. The man went home and drank the liquid but nothing happened. ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT A SUMMER MAKE
A man was sitting at home waiting for his blind date to arrive. Just as she rang his doorbell, the power went out. He staggered over to the door, fumbled with the lock and let her in. “What’s your name?” he enquired. My name is Dawn,” the girl replied. “I might have guessed,” muttered the man. “IT’S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE DAWN.”
After he broke up with his girlfriend, she ran her truck into his car, shot his dog and then set fire to his house. Attempting to locate his ex, the man went with the police to the girl’s mother and explained to her what had happened. She wouldn’t believe that her daughter had done such a thing, telling him “Hell, a woman scorned hath no fury like that.”
The charity organization decided to donate a dental surgeon’s services to a poor country. All the media gathered there to watch the man perform on his first patient. Unfortunately the dentist developed a terrible cold and sore throat preventing him from operating. A HOARSE GIFT NEVER LOOKS IN THE MOUTH.
The president of a large corporation was involved in a big scandal when it was discovered that he had a young, male lover living in her apartment. The story was all over the newspapers including the corporate name. A COMPANY IS KNOWN BY THE MAN HE KEEPS.
The homeless man was discovered living on the beach in a large structure, complete with moat and towers that he had made out of sand. You could say that A MAN’S CASTLE IS HIS HOME
A visitor from Czechoslovakia was at the Bronx zoo when he slipped and fell into the lion pit. He was immediately devoured by one of the lions. Witnesses were not sure whether it was the lion or the lioness that ate the man, so the investigators decided to use an x-ray. Their final decision was that it was in fact the lion that was responsible. You could say that THE CZECH IS IN THE MALE.
The king was holding court surrounded by his jesters. One of his enemies attempted to assassinate him, firing an arrow from the tower but hit one of the jesters by mistake. As the king said, your must KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU
A man traveling in the back of a jeep on an African safari, bounced out of his seat into the road and was devoured by a bunch of lions. Sometimes a FALL COMES BEFORE A PRIDE
The occupants of Fort Blanche were going crazy, Every night they heard a voice repeating…one, two three, four…First of all they thought that someone was hiding in the moat so they drained it but the voice kept on …seven eight, nine, ten… Then they thought that maybe the guards were responsible so they executed them…twenty one, twenty two, twenty three…Finally they went to the high priest who explained that this had been going on for centuries and that they should understand that IT’S THE FORT THAT COUNTS
“Thank you,” said the prostitute as her client left and handed her the money. “IT WAS A BUSINESS DOING PLEASURE WITH YOU.”
After a series of robberies, the police arrested the occupants of a duplex who were working together. They believed that GOOD NEIGHBOURS MAKE GOOD FENCES
A man was driving down a country road, when his car hit a large rabbit. He got out of the car and saw the animal writhing on the ground. He couldn’t decide whether to try to help it or to kill it and put it out of its misery. Just then another driver stopped his car and came over. He took one look and went back to his car and returned with a bottle and fed the contents into the rabbit’s mouth. Immediately the animal jumped up and ran off into the woods.
“That’s fantastic,” exclaimed the first man. “You must be a veterinarian. What did you give the rabbit?”
“Actually,” came the reply, “I’m a hairdresser,” as he showed him the bottle of HAIR RESTORER.
Last week there was a robbery of Viagra and other sex drugs from a chemical warehouse. The big knobs at the police, who don’t want to pussyfoot around and blow the case, claim that the thieves are hardened criminals who gained entry via the elevator shaft by removing several screws. The case is a little prickly as there is not much known about the men involved. Witnesses stated orally that one man was holding the rear door of the van erect as the other one loaded the boxes into it and that they overheard the men talking and using the names of Dick and Rod. There could be other men in the gang as one of the thieves was saying that the job wasn’t worthwhile without Sid or Phil. There may also be a woman involved as one of the men was heard stating “I’ll try see Alice later.” When they are apprehended they will receive a stiff sentence under the Penal Code
A man visited a fortune teller and held out his palms to be read. “I have some good news for you,” smiled the gypsy. “You are going to come into a lot of money today!” The man stood up and slapped the woman across the face. “What the hell are you doing?” she demanded. “Well,” replied the man calmly, “I was always told to STRIKE A HAPPY MEDIUM.”
